


Empty (Inside)

by Adsdragonlover



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Castiel’s deal with the empty, Drinking, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, The Empty (Supernatural), season 15 ep 9, season 15 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:41:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24714736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adsdragonlover/pseuds/Adsdragonlover
Summary: They sit in silence for a few minutes as Castiel waits for Dean to speak. Just when he figures that Dean isn’t going to, the hunter sighs in defeat.Takes place post episode 9 of season 15 but before episode 10.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 56





	Empty (Inside)

“Have you been drinking? You look terrible,” Castiel asks when he gets back from a hunt to find Dean in the kitchen in the bunker with a glass of whiskey in hand.

Dean sighs. “Gee thanks, Cas. I’m sure I look like I feel,” he says, taking another sip of his whiskey. 

“Dean,” Castiel says with a sigh, reaching a hand out for Dean’s glass. 

The hunter pulls it closer to his chest defensively. “Nuh-uh,” he objects. “You can’t take it. I’m drinking this.”

“Dean, what’s wrong?”

Dean chuckles. “Who says there’s something wrong? I feel just fucking _peachy,_ Cas,” Dean replies bitterly. 

Castiel tilts his head to the side. “That was sarcasm,” he points out. “You’re not being honest.”

“ _Wow_ , _”_ Dean scoffs. “You figure that out all by yourself? You want a gold star?” 

Castiel resists the urge to take a step back, instead holding his ground. “I understand you’re upset, but that’s no reason to be mean,” he reasons. “And you should stop drinking that.”

Dean rolls his eyes. “I’ll do what I want to, Cas.” 

“Dean.” Castiel walks closer, sitting down next to him. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”

They sit in silence for a few minutes as Castiel waits for Dean to speak. Just when he figures that Dean isn’t going to, the hunter sighs in defeat. 

“It’s just-“ he starts. “I’m tired of this,” he admits. “I’m tired of fighting and fighting and fighting. And what we win never seems to outweigh what we lose. And as soon as we win something else comes up.” He sighs and rests his head in his hands. “When’s it gonna stop?” He asks. “I mean, it’s God. We’re fighting against _God._ And Sammy’s given up hope. And honestly? I’m not sure he’s wrong to do so. I- I’m not sure we can win this, Cas,” he concedes hopelessly before leaning his head on Castiel’s shoulder.

The angel stiffens slightly at the unexpected touch before melting into it, hesitantly wrapping an arm around Dean’s shoulder. 

“When can I just… rest?” Dean asks quietly. 

They sit in silence for a few minutes while Castiel tries to find the right words to say. “...I don’t know.” He admits honestly. “But I do know that we’ll overcome this. We can beat him. Maybe then we can finally rest. You and Sam can be happy.”

“What about you?” Dean asks. 

“What do you mean?”

“Won’t you be happy too?” Dean presses, looking up at Castiel. 

The angel smiles sadly at him. “I’m not sure I deserve to be happy, Dean.”

Dean stiffens in his hold at the words, sitting up straight and turning disbelieving eyes on him. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” 

“I-“ Castiel starts but Dean cuts him off. 

“You’ve sacrificed just as much as Sammy and I. You’re family. Team Free Will. We’re in this together. If we get to be happy, if we _deserve_ to be happy, then you damn well do too,” Dean asserts, clenching his fists and looking Castiel dead in the eyes. 

Castiel smiles softly at Dean. “Even if that were true, I don’t want to be happy. Not truly.”

Dean gaped at him. “Why the fuck not? Why _wouldn’t_ you want to be happy?”

Castiel sighs. “I-“ he hesitates before barreling on. “I made a deal… With The Empty.” He clarifies. “When we were bringing Jack back, The Empty wanted him. I promised myself in exchange for Jack. But since I’ll be going to The Empty anyway, he changed the terms of the deal. He’ll only take me when I’m at my happiest. When I’m as happy as I’ll ever be- I’ll die. And then I’ll go to The Empty,” he explains, not looking at Dean. 

Dean stares at him, horrified and upset. “And you’re only telling me about this _now?_ ” He demands, voice raising from their quiet murmurs. 

Castiel flinches. “I didn’t want to worry you. You had bigger, more important things to focus on.”

“And the fact that The Empty could take you whenever it wants isn’t important?” He shouts. “Cas!” He runs his hands through his hair in distress. “Goddamnit, Cas!” He hisses. “We have to fix this!”

“Dean, it’s fine,” Castiel assures him. “I’ve come to terms with it. I’ve accepted my fate.”

“Yeah well I haven’t!”

“Besides…” Castiel lowers his voice. “...the thing that’d truly make me happy won’t happen.” 

“What? How could you know that?” Dean asks. 

Castiel sighs and shakes his head. “I just know, Dean.”

“Well, what is it?” Dean probes further and Castiel tenses.

“I can’t tell you.” He whispers. 

“What? Why not? If I know what it is then we’ll know how to avoid it until we can fix this.”

“Dean, this isn’t something you can just fix,” Castiel explains sadly. 

“No!” Dean insists, sitting up out of his chair. “Tell me what it is, Cas.” 

Castiel shakes his head, closing his eyes. “I can’t. You’ll hate me.”

“I’ll- Cas!” Dean objects. “I would never hate you!”

Castiel actually laughs at that. “Oh, so the way you’ve been treating me since all of this happened wasn’t hate?”

Dean slumps. “I apologized. I- I already said I forgive you. Cas, I know you. Whatever it is that’ll make you happy won’t make me hate you. So what is it?”

Castiel sighs in defeat, opening his eyes and looking up at Dean. “You.”

Dean blinks. “ _Me?_ ” He repeats incredulously. “What does that mean?”

“It means you make me happy, Dean.”

“If you’re already happy then-“

“But that’s not what I meant. I- _having_ you would make me happy.” Castiel clarifies ruefully. “You… feeling the same- no. You feeling the same as I do and actually _acting_ on it would make me happy.”

Dean stares at him, dumbstruck. “What?”

“Dean, how could you not know that I love you?” Castiel asks quietly. “It's… not exactly hard to figure out.” He says while Dean stares at him. “Being with you, kissing you, holding your hand, waking up next to you in the morning.” Castiel sighs. “That’d make me happy.”

“Cas…” 

“And it’s not going to happen. So I’m fine.”

Castiel might be fine, but Dean? Dean _wants._ He wants to tell Castiel so badly it hurts. But he can’t. Because he knows now. That if he says anything he’ll lose him. 

Dean sighs. “I’m sorry.” 

And that’s all the confirmation Castiel needs. “I know. I’m sorry too. But I told you, it’s not going to be a problem.”

Dean shakes his head. “No, Cas I-“ he sighs. “We’ll fix this. And then- and then you can be happy.” He promises. 

It’s not outwardly spoken, but it’s acknowledged. And Castiel looks up at Dean, eyes wide. “Dean-“ he starts. 

“Please don’t ask.” Dean interrupts. “I don’t want to lie to you, Cas. And I _definitely_ can’t fucking lose you. Not to this.” He shakes his head. “So we’re going to fix this. I’ll tell Sam in the morning.” He sighs. “Cas, I…” he trails off. “You’re my best friend.” 

“I love you too, Dean,” Castiel responds. He’s _happy._ But thankfully, not happy enough. 

_Maybe soon_ , he thinks. _Maybe I’ll get to be._

**Author's Note:**

> Hi I hope you liked it! Leave a kudos if you did and if you really wanna make my day leave a comment. (They’re my lifeblood)


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